'Illusion is the first of all pleasures'

The blues

2009-05-31T10:34:17Z

Today I am feeling really depressed and stressy.
I don't know why.
I had a decent sleep, the sun is out and for once it is hot, I have lost weight and been exercising which releases 'feel good' hormones.

How can I sill feel like this when I am doing everything right?!

No motivation and I realy need to revise for exams.
I really hate myself today...mind and body.

I sound so ungrateful but I hate my life...its not bad but I just can't seem to be happy for long periods of time.
WTF is wrong with me?
Today is going to be a struggle to eat anything.

I want somebody to hug me and tell me it will be alright. But I push people away so they don't.

aramis_is @ 2009-05-02T19:40:00

2009-05-02T18:41:52Z

I need to stop wasting time.
I need to be skinny.

I hate fat. I hate my best friend for being fat.
I need to stop drinking.

I need to lose weight.

aramis_is @ 2008-10-13T14:18:00

2008-10-13T13:29:30Z

Does anybody here take Prozac or Pro plus as an anti depressant? Or anthing else that can be bought over the counter?

I'm ill at the moment, have a flu type thing which sucks because I have no energy and it gets worse as the day goes on. So I can't do any exercise.
On the plus side no school. I really hate it at the moment, in my last year before uni and I dread every day.
I am living on ice pops sice they make my throat feel better!

Randomings

2008-05-22T08:49:16Z

Having looked at photos from 3 years ago, I then raided the old albums in the good old days of non digital cameras ( actually I like digital :P) from wow yeah 4 years ago and when I was a little kid.

I am the skinniest I have ever been since about 11 when all kids are midgits.
There were ones of me in bikinis when I thought I used to be skinny but nope.
This may also be due to my perception of skinny haveing been changed in that anything not skeletal with bones sticking out I see as not enough.

Then I felt sad because I look so genuinely happy in them and I used to be able to eat breakfast, lunch, numerous ic creams, cocktails AND dinner and pudding and have no problem about it!
I have a minor problem with alcohol and its got so far as having only shots of gin or something since I can't drink anything else because I can feel EVERY SINGLE CALORIE sticking to my fat.

But I like being drunk :P Plus that way it is cheaper. I see it as a win win situation :P

Sometimes I think I am sick of being this way and wish I could just be satisfied but I try to eat normally for a day and realise I LIKE not being able to lie on my front in bed since my hip bones dig in ot themattress and it is highly uncomfortable. I LIKE walking home from school feeling as though I don't have the energy to take one more step then looking in the mirror at a flat stomach since there is no food in there. And I do not like the feeling of having food sat in my stomach.
I like to be light and free so I could float away at any time.

Ha on the step dad note since I am writing an essay on here, yesterday he came in from whatever the hell he does all day, eat shit I imagine with:

A BIG pack of full fatty dorritos with only a few left
3, yes 3 bottles of lucozade (shit that stuff is what my mum makes me drink when I am ill so I don't die of no energy!)
Some sandwhich wrapper which had cheese AND mayo
And the funniest bit
A lovely pack of grapes with both colours in left unopened.

I found this highly amusing whhen he coninued to have 2 servings of dinner. Pasta more cheese, salad ha but coveed in dressing.
And he says he is cutting down.
Well FUCK ME!

If he ate my diet for a day I don't really know how he would cope.

Rant over :)

aramis_is @ 2008-05-18T17:03:00

2008-05-18T16:08:18Z

I'm looking at pictures of people from my primary school and one girl has got fat!

Man I'm a bitch!

And weird for looking through pictures to see how thin other people are that I know.

Mum is out tonight so no pressure for dinner.
Coke zero and calorie free ice pops. Hell yes

Stats today

2008-05-14T15:57:46Z

Height - 168 cm /5feet 6 inches

Weight - 107 pounds / 48.5kg / 7 stone 9

Waist - 66cm / 26 inches

Hips - 82cm / 32.5 inches

Bust - 78cm / 30.5 inches

Top arms - 22cm / 6.5 inches

Top thight - 48cm / 18.5 inches

Butt - 86cm / 33.5 inches

Ramblings

2008-05-10T14:08:21Z

Today is Saturday so far I have been to the gym and eaten 373 cals.

I think we are having a BBQ tonight because it is lovey weather. I don't want one.

My stomach is really bloated today, its disgusting.

This is now the fourth month I have not come on my period, lol my mum bought tampons and put them outside my room.
HA. Although it is not funny since she will make me have the blood test I was supposed to have over a month ago now.

I have had two days of eating 900 odd cals and need to limit today to trick the old metabolism.

I have two AS exams on Monday and I'm on this thing. Good use of time.

Today

2008-02-05T15:21:32Z

Has been an odd day and I will use an anology of the good ol' English weather to illustrate.

It started off pouring with rain at which point I felt like death. I'm ill.
At that point I never wanted to get out of bed again. Ever.

Then it got sunny and I got up and came on here.
I didn't want to die at that point.

Then it got rainy again and now I'm dreading tomorrow.

I'm fat. I can't drink since I'm on antibiotics. I just ate some toast. FAT FAT FAT

I hate myself.
Nobody would even care if I disappeared.
I want to run away to London with the people I get fucked with and for us to jump off a building together.

Moods

2007-12-13T20:41:57Z

It's so weird.

I start off today feeling good.
I end up wanting to just disappear.
And for no apparent reason.

I am shy, people think I am unfriendly.

I work my arse off for my subjects, but no, its never good enough.

I am not known as a preson but as somebody's sidekick. HA they don't have a clue!

And I'm sick of it.
UH I hate this life sometimes. And I feel bad about saying that since so many people want life when they can't have but I honestly wouoldn't care if for example I got run over by a bus. I don't think many others would care either.